Need help improving your bowling score? On this edition of Ask the Peon we'll tackle some of the most common questions about bowling.


1. What is bowling?

Bowling is a 'sport' where you smoke a lot cigarettes while listening to ridiculously loud 80's music.



2. Is bowling any fun?

Bowling is actually not fun at all. It is easily one of the most frustrating activities you can involve yourself in. Bowling only becomes very awesome when someone you know manages to fall or slip down the lane. It can also be fun to witness someone completely lose their temper and/or mind as a result of bowling.



3. What is a lane?

A character on Seinfeld.



4. One of my friends said he got a 'perfect game'. What does that mean?

A 'perfect game' is one where you manage to play all ten frames without cursing, yelling, throwing something, announcing you quit, or announcing you hate this f*cking game. It's very hard to accomplish and is generally seen as impossible.



5. What is a strike?

A strike is when you refuse to finish a game because the lane is too slippery, too 'friction-y', the ball is misshapen, the guys before you messed up the lane, or some other totally justifiable reason.



6. How heavy should my ball be?

You should use the lightest ball you can find. This way you can throw the ball down the lane in a variety of awesome ways. My favorites include:


Over the Shoulder





How to: Approach the lane backwards and throw the ball over your shoulder.

Comments: An all-or-nothing form because if you get a strike you'll look sweet, but if you gutter you'll look like an idiot.


Through the Legs





How to: Approach the lane and bring the ball back around your leg and then bring it through your legs and release it.

Comments: I saw someone on America's Funniest Home Videos attempt this with disastrous results. Use with caution.


The "One Legged Special"





How to: Hop towards the lane on either leg. Release the ball when you are close.

Comments: Before doing this make sure no one in the alley actually has only one leg.


The Archer





How to: Approach the lane like you normally would. Release the ball. Now drop to one knee and mime the action of shooting an arrow. Release the 'arrow' just before the ball hits for best results.

Comments: Easily the most awesome bowling form ever. If you get a strike you automatically win at bowling.



thepeon@thepeon.com